My Fifth NaNoWriMo

As you may already know, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) starts on Wednesday. At long last, thousands of writers will turn to their stories for the month of November in a mad dash to write 50,000 words before the thirtieth. 

While last year was fabulous, and I came away with a grand total of 606,606 words, my other take aways were mental exhaustion and sore wrists. So, although part of me desperately wants to go for anywhere between 800K and 1M words (which I may still attempt, because I am waaayyy too competitive for my own good), my official goal for this year will be comparatively more relaxed. Because of work and a few added responsibilities/demands on my time, and because I am not 100% in the best head space yet, I would like to content myself with writing 250,000 words. 

I like that number. It was my initial goal for my second NaNoWriMo (where, to my delight, I ended up with 404,404 words instead). 

But now we have to discuss coffee. Namely, the fact that I CAN NO LONGER DRINK CAFFEINATED COFFEE. I am freaking out calm. I also appear to be lactose intolerant now. *weeps copiously* 

I feel so high maintenaince ordering a decaf latte with coconut milk and no whipped cream (and that’s not including the flavor shots I want). There are too many details to remember here, and sometimes I don’t have the energy to go through the whole song and dance of ordering coffee. #Firstworldproblems Also, when people make my order wrong, and I politely ask them to fix it, sometimes I get looked at like I’m being the b word. So that’s fun. 

Long story short, after some extensive coffee research, I found out that the best decaffination method (ie., Swiss Water Process), doesn’t use chemicals and doesn’t strip the coffee of its full flavor profile. (Yes, I am turning into a coffee snob. Deal with it.) So I bought a couple bags from a couple brands and some sweetened condensed coconut milk and we are good to go. I will simply have to supply the caffeine jitters myself. 

That’s all well and good, Liz, we care so much about what you will be drinking during November (I can hear your sarcasm, btw), but what are you going to be WRITING??? I’m glad you asked. I’ve been planning some new novels/stories to try in November. Yes, you heard me right—planning! *cue collective gasp* If you’ve followed me for any length of time, you’ll know that I like to write by the seat of my pants with maybe some minimal notes. For years, I spat on planning; I drowned it in the dregs of my cold coffee heart. Until there I was, one fateful day, watching videos on poisonous mushrooms because I will do anything in the name of procrastination research. When, BAM! a little story nugget popped into my head, just a scene really, which I proceeded to bang out on my superglued together keyboard (because my j key decided to do its own thing last November, and a few other keys have considered following suit). I then had ideas for several other scenes, all from the same story, so I used the handy dandy Scrivener corkboard function to summarize and organize them. It kind of escalated from there, and over the course of a couple days I compulsively outlined the majority of that novel. Not only did I do that, but I have since remained excited about the project and pleased with my outline. (Which, as you may know, is a relief, since typically when pansters plot, it drains our creative excitement and kills our prospective stories with fire.) 

All told, I have about three novels that I’m going to prioritize, and a few back-up ideas if I run out of material. I’m not going to go into specifics about what two of the novels are about, because they’re still so young—they haven’t developed immune systems yet. But I will say the third one is meant to be a complete new rough draft for BMT, which has fought edits tooth and nail for so long my options are A) start fresh or B) fake my death and take up scorpion training in a foreign country. (Option B is starting to sound tempting.) 

Now, some of you are probably wondering if I will be posting pep talks during NaNoWriMo, as I have in Novembers past. And to that my answer is, probably not. At least not with any sort of regularity. I have none written ahead—I feel like I’ve already written a fair amount of pep talks, and I don’t want to write any more unless I’m really excited about them. But I will certainly keep my options open. 

Last but not least, if you want to follow my progress this November, please feel free to add me to your buddy list! You can find my profile here. I promise I won’t bite.

What about you, my coffee beans? If you're participating in NaNoWriMo, what are your goals? What is your favorite kind of coffee? 

Flashbacks

Note: I wrote this post during a flashback a couple weeks ago and later edited it for clarity. 

I should be going to bed right now. Today was long, and I need rest. But instead, I think I need to face something head on, to stare into its ugly eyes and describe what I see. 

Though I’m sittting here with my bags packed, I’m not going on a trip. That’s not why I shoved some of my favorites clothes, shoes, and journals into a purse. That’s not why I will stick my laptop into its case, along with my charger, after I’m done typing this. 

No. My landlord is burning a pile of wood. It’s a large pile of wood, but he is a smart man, and I should trust him. I know that there’s no wind tonight and that the fire is a relatively safe distance from the house and from my car. I know that when I wake up tomorrow, this roof will still be above me. I know this in my head. But the seven-year-old inside, the girl who had already lost everything and had to lose everything all over again, who had to twice pick and choose what little she could keep after her town became a warzone, that seven-year-old only knows that she doesn’t want to live without her Doctor Who t-shirt, her stuffed Heffalump named Woozle, her writing, her shoes, her car keys, her letters from her dead friend. 

I keep telling myself to unpack, to put everything away because I need to trust God. Maybe that would be the best course of action, an exercise in control over these flashbacks that have me forgetting where and when I am. On the other hand, what if this is a reasonable, albeit dramatic, precaution? I realize I have no compass for these situations. All I can be sure of is that it will bring me some measure of calm to know that I will at least be able to save something, should the worst happen. 

Normally, I wouldn’t be able to let you join me in my flashbacks, because I am never this aware or verbal. I don’t know why I am tonight. Maybe I’m supposed to be writing this down, so you can see whatever it is I can’t. Maybe there’s some greater reason why I’m fighting the urge to sleep in my car tonight, with all my books crammed in around me. 

I tell you that God is good, and I believe that—evvery day I work to believe that, even when it's my greatest struggle. I have trust issues, with God, with others, with myself. It’s a very lonely, scary place to call home. Too often I catch myself saying, “God, I will trust you, but only if you promise not to let bad things happen.” What sort of trust is that? That is the assumption that he is against me, not for me, that he is just waiting for me to let my guard down so he can hurt me. That is me living every day, bracing for a blow. 

I drank a Kool-Aid Burst last Friday, because I loved them when I was a kid. But they are disgusting to me now. Time takes and takes; it leaves rope burns as it slides through your fingers. You cannot change what has happened; you are not supposed to. God gives and God takes away, and we are supposed to hold everything with open hands. 

In Isaiah, the prophets tells of Hezekiah, who was meant to die but was allowed to live another fifteen years when he begged the Lord to spare him. Had he died when he was supposed to, his son, Manasseh, would never have been born and much evil would have been avoided. That is not to say, in concrete, that Hezekiah ought not to have lived those extra years. That is only to say that sometimes the horrible things God allows are meant to grow us, but sometimes they are meant to spare us. 

I have lived with this spider inside my head for so long, I can barely remember what it was like to walk unafraid, to wander out into a crowded Ivorian marketplace because I was curious, because I wanted to say hi to people. Sometimes I catch myself wondering who I was supposed to be, in those words. But God is sovereign, and who I am today is who I am supposed to be. Nothing sneaks around his will. He is not up in heaven, looking down on me in anger, saying “How dare you not trust me?” He is right here, right beside me, holding my heart and letting me know that it’s going to be okay—that even if I lose my home tonight, it will be well with my soul.

The Post Where I Get Melodramatic

Two weeks ago, I remembered why it is that I love writing, after so long of forgetting why it is that I like living. Maybe it was the smell of autumn in the air, or the pumpkin spice latte in my hand (decaf, because my body can no longer tolerate caffeine, but I’m trying to look on the bright side). Maybe it was that I turned a corner in battling dehydration; there are fewer moments where I stand dead-eyed, fishing for language in an empty stream. 

I want to open the windows and clean all the oxygen in this house, even though it will let the chill into my bones. We have lightbulbs that need replacing, and my clutter has become more cluttered because I haven’t had the energy to do, do, do. Yesterday I made a list of goals, and it was ambitious. Today I had plans and even hopes because I am excited (oh so tentatively) to exist. I am accomplishing things again. 

There is still a spider crawling around inside my skull, trying to spin cobwebs over my eardrums so I will only hear its voice telling me nothing is worth it. But for the past month and a half, it has held so little power over me. I will take anything for a win. 

Do you know how many posts I have drafted in an effort to bring you one, just one? I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count them out for you. Somewhere along the line, my vocal chords became barbed wire—it hurts to speak my mind. That does not mean I will be silent. Most days I want to crawl into some deep, dark cave and just be thought for a while. That does not mean I will set up camp there. 

For a time I had stopped reading and writing, because my attention span was so badly diminished, and with it, my ability to care and invest. I’m back, though. Slowly but surely I am leaving the darkness of starvation that told me it was light, and yes, I have miles more to go. Eight times out of ten, I still disapprove of my reflection. The difference is that now I don’t think that silhouette warrants a death sentence. Two months ago, I gained five pounds of muscle weight through eating more and exercising well, and the world didn’t stop spinning—didn’t even hiccup. 

Sometimes I think I was a better person when I was heavier; I think I cared more and did more and felt more. When I stopped eating, I think I carved more from my frame than just fat and muscle. 

What matters is, I’m trying. I’m pulling myself out of bed and bucking against the urge to numb it all, to do anything but think. I’m finding it’s scarier now that I’m leaving the woods than it was when I wasn’t out yet. I’m looking over my shoulder at what was chasing me, and I have no words to describe how ugly it is. 

In times of war, POWs have been starved as a means of torture, to whittle them down to the barest outlines of themselves. It is one of the cruelest acts of hatred a human being can commit against another. 

I treated my body like a prisoner of war. 

There are days I can’t stand to be alone with myself because I’m scared that I will do it again, scared that next time I won’t be able to stop. I don’t want to live there anymore. For so long I felt like I was failing at recovery, because even when I was trying to get better I was still losing weight. But inch by inch, I’m getting my life back, and I’m not letting go.

C'est moi

That Awkward Moment When You Forget Your Blogversary

Okay, so I didn’t entirely forget my blogversay. A couple weeks ago, I realized it was approaching. Then, in customary Liz fashion, I lost track of time and suddenly it was August 26 and I had nothing to offer you and no time to whip anything together. A few days back, I drafted a post updating you as to how I am, because I’m planning to start posting again, and you will get that update sooner or later. But right now I’m moving slowly in pretty much every area, and I don’t have the energy to celebrate my blogversary, or host a giveaway, or write something fun. Also, I get overwhelmed easily (which I will discuss more in the future), so I wanted to keep this low key. 

Anyway, I’m happy my blog is turning three, although it feels like it’s already older than that. Those terrible twos can really take a lot out of you. (Oh my goodness, I’m so funny.) I’m excited by how much Out of Coffee, Out of Mind grew before I sort of went on hiatus. I miss interacting with you, my lovely coffee beans. I miss this aspect of my old life—I’ve felt like a drafty, cluttered attic without it. And I want you to know that I am doing much better, mentally, than I have in years. Recovering from an eating disorder is a lengthy process, though, and I’ve needed—and will continue—to devote a good deal of energy to rewriting myself. But suffice it to say that, were this an actual birthday party, I would eat a piece of the cake.

Quick Writing Update

I'm behind on all of my deadlines, due to a variety of factors, most of them unrelated to writing. *sad face* Work has been crazy, my health hasn't been too fabulous, etc...

I will try to blog more in the coming months. But, for the moment, I just wanted to pop in and let you know that I've decided to combine the two sequels to DRACONIAN into one novel, thus making DRACONIAN the first in a duology. In all honesty, I've been considering this move for a couple years now, and I've spent the last few months evaluating and reevaluating. I'm excited (although a bit nervous) about the challenges that will come with this, but I'm confident my story will emerge stronger and better. 

That is all.

BLUE LILY, LILY BLUE // Nostalgia and Peace

Five Stars—ajklsdflk (when words fail to describe how wonderful a book is) 

As with THE RAVEN BOYS and THE DREAM THIEVES by Maggie Stiefvater, I first listened to BLUE LILY, LILY BLUE on audiobook, and it was phenomenal. 

The Characters

Greenmantle // Greenmantle is an odd villain; he’s truly terrible, and truly dangerous, but he fascinates me more than he scares me. Danger and evil seem almost to bore him. The best thing about him, though, is that Stiefvater makes him feel like a real person. 

Piper // Piper is even more interesting than her husband. Though she conforms to some of the more stereotypical female tropes (not to say that any of those are bad)—yoga, book clubs, buying small ugly dogs (okay, small ugly dogs are bad), etc.—she is also her own person. Like Greenmantle, she doesn’t seem to be able to feel fear or love. But, as my sister says, they still make a cute couple. 

Jesse Dittley // *eyes turn to hearts* I love Jesse. I love how Stiefvater puts his dialogue in all caps because it’s so big and boomy. I love how Stiefvater shows his dialectic speech more than she does with some of the other characters. And I love how he calls Blue “ant” and wonders if she’s short because she didn’t eat her vegetables. 

Adam’s father // Adam’s father, when shown through the lens of distance, is harder to fear because he’s easier to see. That’s not to say that his actions become justifiable, only understandable in terms of who he is: a petulant person, more child than man. 

Maura // Even though this book centers around her absence, I felt like I learned more about Maura in this story than I did in the two previous. Maura is wise and gentle and something other. She is like Blue and she is like the Gray Man and she is like a cup of Earl Grey tea with cream. 

Stiefvater's Writing

When I was trying to decide whether or not to buy IMAGINARY GIRLS by Nova Ren Suma, I remember finding that the biggest issue negative reviewers had was the writing style. They complained that the prose was dense and hard to get into (in so many words). But if you’ve followed my blog for any amount of time, you’ve likely seen me mention how much I love everything about IMAGINARY GIRLS. “Liz,” you say, “you’re getting distracted. We were talking about BLUE LILY, LILY BLUE.” 

We are, don’t worry. I mention IMAGINARY GIRLS because I’ve seen several reviewers, even ones who like Stiefvater’s books, mention that it was hard to get into THE RAVEN BOYS because of the writing style. Stiefvater’s style, like Suma’s, is richer and asks to be read more slowly. It’s meant to be savored. The sentences are more out of the box; when I get stuck in a sentence structure rut, reading their work helps me to view writing in a new light. 

Obviously, my stylistic preferences won't always be yours. But if you happen to like Nova Ren Suma’s style, Stiefvater’s will likely appeal to you as well. 

The Atmosphere

I know I touched on atmosphere in my review of THE RAVEN BOYS, but I want to mention it again. Very rarely, when I’m reading, do I get truly absorbed. I can be head-over-heels for a story and still forget to pick it back up once I’ve put it down. But the Raven Cycle blocks out anxiety-driven distractions and overactive thoughts. Stiefvater’s writing steals me from my time and lands me in some strange in-between place where it’s always autumn, and always spring, where there’s always a cool breeze and rain and the sound of moving leaves and bird song in the morning. It slows my blood. 

While I mentioned that I love living in Virginia because it makes me think of this series, I feel it’s also important to mention that I may have been living in Virginia and enjoying it for a few months before I picked up the Raven Cycle, but it was the Raven Cycle that made me never want to leave. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? What are some books that make you feel peaceful? Do you like books that make you feel strangely nostalgic?

Intentionality and Sacrifices

When I was sixteen, I wrote the rough draft of TIME IN A BOTTLE for NaNoWriMo 2013. At the time, that rough draft was a trilogy of rough drafts, and the story, especially the ending, was markedly different than it is now. 

With DRACONIAN, I had already begun to realize that I edit best by rewriting everything word by word. But because I had never edited a project from start to finish, I wasn’t confident. Compounding this, I was only happy with the first three quarters of the first book. The rest I wanted to trash. 

When my sister challenged me to turn the trilogy into a duology, I took it a step further and consolidated the whole thing into one book. I ended up cutting all but 30K of the original 160K before adding another 50K of new material. 

When I was editing TIB, I let my first critique partner assign me a deadline, and then I worked as hard as I could to meet that deadline. I began getting up at 4:30 every morning (which I later changed to 4:00), and I wrote for an hour before school. After school, I edited until supper, and then after supper too, if I could. Weekends were amazing. I would watch Star Trek on Friday nights and then edit until midnight. Once I finished my Saturday chores, I usually had the whole day to edit as well. Sundays I would try to take off, but often I ended up editing for at least an hour. 

Essentially, I turned into a hermit. It frustrated me when other people threw work at me without giving me advance warning, because I wanted to be able to cancel my scheduled breaks from editing accordingly and not waste a whole day due to lack of communication. I didn’t do much socially, but I still got out some. I didn’t even start a blog until I was almost ready to start querying, because I wanted all my time for editing. I did, however, take the whole summer off from writing. 

There were complaints that I was missing out, putting too much stress on myself, being selfish with my time, etc…

But when I look back at that time, I remember it as the best year of my life, and I want to replicate it, to immerse myself like that again. I miss sacrificing things for writing. I don’t regret that lost socialization. I don’t regret that I read less and slept less. I wrote a book and, trunked or not, I am so so happy with that accomplishment. 

As I started querying, though, the discouragement of rejection after rejection began to set in, and I started to listen to the people who told me (in so many words) that writing wasn’t worth that level of committement, that my time was not my own, that I was unlikely to succeed anyway, and so on and so forth. I stopped prioritizing writing and, instead, let it fall to hobby status. When I wrote TIME IN A BOTTLE, I treated it like a full-time (though unpayed) job; when I started feeling like I didn’t have the right to do that, I barely accomplished anything, and I became increasingly depressed. 

Lately, I’ve been working to get back to that writing-as-a-full-time job mindset, carving out space on my schedule when I have to, even scaling back a bit on reading. I still socialize, and I still do things for others, but I am more intentional about how I use my time. I don't want to feel guilty about viewing writing as a responsibility; I want to stop listening to people who see it only as an indulgence. It is not selfish to build my career. 

It boils down to this: If you are serious about writing as a job, if you think it's what you’re supposed to be doing, you have to be intentional about it. You have to make sacrifices (but not the animal/human kind; we've talked about this). Obviously, balance is important, and experiencing a fuller life will give you more to write about. I’m not saying you should retreat into the woods and never show your face. I'm not saying you should skip out on relationships. There will be other requirements on your time that you will not always be able to ignore. But if you consistently let people guilt you into making writing take back burner, writing will not happen. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? What are your thoughts? What are some things that make it harder for you to carve out writing time? 

Dream Crate

Note: This post is not sponsored. It’s just for fun. 

A little while ago, Loot Crate put together a fun project encouraging fans to write a post detailing what you would do if you could design one of their crates. You're welcome to join in and write your own Dream Crate post, if you'd like! (For those of you who don't know what Loot Crate is, it's a monthly subscription box that offers geeky gifts and fandom merch.)

100% creative freedom for my geekery? Sign me up! 

After throwing around some ideas (translation: trying not to go with the first thing that popped into my head), I went with the first thing that popped into my head. There's no escaping the fact that Sci-Fi is my one true love. 

Space-themed it is. 

Let’s start with Star trek. We’ll need a Spock Funko POP, because with all due respect, Spock is the best of the Star Trek characters. Naturally, this Spock would be holding a tricorder. 

Along with the Star Trek Funko POP, we’ll need something Guardians of the Galaxy-themed, so I'd add a Groot Funko POP. 

Next, I'd include a Doctor Who-themed mug that looks like a fez (it would probably have to be an upside-down fez, but whatever, the Doctor would approve), along with a bumper sticker that says “Mad man with a box”. 

Moving on to The Martian, we’ll go with a laptop sticker (designed to look like an Amazon review) that says, “Brought product to surface of Mars. It stopped working. 0/10.” Along with that, I would throw in a stress ball that looks like Mars. 

Finally, we can’t forget Firefly. We’ll need a T-shirt with the outline of Mal’s head in a bonnet, but in place of his face, there’d be text saying: “If your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you”. 

Thus concludes my dream crate. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? If this were actually a crate from Loot Crate, would you want it? Do any of you subscribe to Loot Crate? I’ve been drooling over some of their merch for some time now.

Deadlines

A little while ago, I set some deadlines for myself. They were as follows: 

Finish the final draft of DRACONIAN by March 31st. 

Finish the second draft of BMT by March 31st. 

Finish the second draft of my super secret novella side project (SSNSP) by April 15th. 

I told you that if I didn’t meet at least two of these deadlines, you could revoke my coffee privileges. 

Well, you can’t take my caramel macchiato away today. 

Not only did I finish DRACONIAN ahead of schedule, I also got back into the query trenches. 

Before starting this draft, DRACONIAN was 96K words long, which was a bit high. As I went through, I tightened the writing, cut one scene, and added another. My end word count? 83K words. It took three read throughs, four months, and at least fifty lattes. You could argue that it was, in fact, not just one draft. Whatever. The point is, it’s done. At long last, I am finally satisifed with the finished product. 

Fun fact: On the day I was finishing DRACONIAN, I was sitting in my customary spot in my church, in the lobby, on the floor, beside a potted plant. (No, I do not want a desk, thank you very much.) A lady from the church came by and introduced me to her grandson, who asked me what I was writing. I told him my book is about “revenge, dragons, and murder.” He then proceeded to sit there and read over my shoulder while I edited, and when he left, he told me he hoped my book got published so he could read it. 

*internal screaming* 

I also finished the second draft of SSNSP ahead of schedule, because I am bad at keeping side projects side projects. It started off as a 103K word NaNoWriMo-born manuscript, which I wanted to condense into novella format. *laughs hysterically* "Why would you do this to yourself," you ask? Several reasons. I have never been confident with short fiction. More specifically, I have never tackled writing a novella before, and it seemed like a good idea to challenge myself. Since unpublished writers traditionally struggle with tightening their writing, I figured turning a 103K draft into a novella-length project would be an effective, albeit brutal lesson in cutting the fat. So what was my final word count on this second draft? 8,200 words. 

Now, before you start telling me that’s a short story, not, in fact, a novella, rest assured I am well aware of this. That is by no means the final word count. My process involves cutting away most of the rough draft so I can figure out the bone structure before going through and, in the third draft, adding muscle instead of fat. In this current draft, there is sparse description, little-to-no dialogue, and a lot of glossed over stuff. That’s okay. My main goal was just getting all the scenes in order and the plot tacked down so I can have a solid foundation. 

My end goal for SSNSP is to end somewhere between 25-30K words. I’m a little worried, with good cause (*cough* DRACONIAN started off as a short story and is now the first book in a trilogy *cough*), that this novella could still turn into a novel. 

"What about BMT," you ask? "As I recall, you were making such good progress on it." 

I know, I know. I was. 

What happened? 

A number of things. First and foremost, DRACONIAN took up more time and mental energy than I anticipated, and I wanted to prioritize finishing it up so I could focus on newer, shinier projects. But the biggest thing that happened was that, as I progressed, I found myself dissatisfied with the direction my story went in the rough draft. I found myself needing to draft new scenes while editing, but I can’t do that if I’m not sure where I’m even going with the overall structure. This means I’ll likely have to write a brand new rough draft. 

There’s also the matter of BMT being a weird, intensely emotional creature. I spent a year planning it and jotting down assorted scenes before I even drafted it in November 2015. And after, I immediately set it aside to let it cook until I felt I was ready. Now that time has passed and I understand the story better, I have to update the book accordingly. 

So what are my plans now? For the next couple weeks, I’m going to focus on sending out more query letters, writing and editing more blog posts, reading more books and watching more Netflix, and possibly editing a short story or two for fun. I also want to organize my hard drive, streamline my blog, answer comments, and tackle other assorted projects that work well for procrastinatory purposes. Realistically speaking I won’t have time to accomplish everything on this list, but I hope to at least make a dent. My creative well is a bit dry after completing DRACONIAN, so while I don’t want to waste time, I’m also struggling to dive right into the next project. 

My new deadlines are as follows (assuming no other time commitments get in the way, which they might): 

Finish draft three of SSNSP by June 30th. 

Finish draft two of BMT by June 30th. 

Finish draft two of DRACONIAN 2 (hereafter known as D2) by July 31st. 

Once again, if I fail to meet at least two of these deadlines, you have permission to revoke my caffeine privileges. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? What are some of your writing successes and setbacks? What are some of your goals?

THE DREAM THIEVES // Things that go

Five Stars—ajklsdflk (when words fail to describe how wonderful a book is)

As with THE RAVEN BOYS, by Maggie Stiefvater, I listened to THE DREAM THIEVES on audiobook. The amazing thing about Will Patton’s narration is that I could still hear it in my head as I read the book through the second time, and it encouraged me to read more slowly, to savor the word choices and the sentence structure. 

The Characters. 

While I already discussed Blue, Gansey, Ronan, and Noah in my review of THE RAVEN BOYS, there are other characters I need to list as well. Because even though Stiefvater’s writing is filled with plot and mystery and tension, it still feels as though it’s the characters that drive it. 

Kavinsky // I don’t know if Kavinsky counts as a full-on antagonist in this book, but he certainly doesn’t make life better for Blue and the raven boys. He acts almost as a foil for Ronan, not because he is what Ronan is not, but because he is a polar opposite of what Ronan wants to become. 

The Gray Man // The Gray Man is a hit man. He is characterized by his lack of characterizing features. If I said I want to be him when I grow up, would you promise not to tell the police? He is the most well-rounded-without-being-overstated assassin character I have encountered in a while. He is a person who happens to be a hit man, rather than a hit man who happens to be a person. 

The Cars // THE DREAM THIEVES, more so than any of the other books in the Raven Cycle, is about cars. We have the Pig, Gansey’s ’73 Camaro, which has its share of mishaps and time-loopy weirdness. We have the Gray Man’s champaigne disappointment, a depressing rental car that features frequently. And we have Kavinsky’s white Mitsubishi Evo, which is a phenomena all its own. As an honorable mention, I can’t forget to include Ronan’s BMW. Basically, this book is a celebration of things that go, and I could not be more pleased (well, okay, I would be more pleased if Stiefvater had thought to include a Lamborghini). (Side note: There’s a dentist in my area who owns a yellow convertible Lamborghini, and I’ve seen it twice. I’ve also encountered a silver one in the wild. *dies of happiness*) 

Declan // Ronan’s older brother is a piece of work, and I’m still trying to map out the family dynamics, specifically the shared tension he and Ronan bring to the table. (Side note: There’s a Declan who goes to my church, and every time someone says his name, I flash back to the Raven Cycle. This is perfectly characteristic of how, even with more minor characters, Stiefvater’s writing leaves a mark on your consciousness.) 

Persephone // I love Persephone. That’s not to say I don’t like the others who live with Blue at 300 Fox Way: Maura, Calla, Orla, Jimi. (And I plan to talk about them in a later review.) But Persephone has always stuck out as my number one favorite. She is flaky and distracted, wise and perseptive, sad and cryptic. She seems simultaneously childlike and world-weary. 

In Conclusion. 

I’m finding that Stiefvater is neck-and-neck with Ray Bradbury for the title of "Liz’s Favorite Author" (which is, as you know, a prestigious position *cough cough*). I’ve also decided that, while I already own the whole Raven Cycle in hardcover, I want to purchase the set in paperback as well so I can go through and *gasp* underline and annotate and pull apart the stories so I can see how they tick (and hopefully learn more writing theory as a result). I plan to do this with THE SCORPIO RACES as well. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? Have you read THE DREAM THIEVES? What is your favorite Stiefvater book?

Therapy and The Walking Dead

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me… You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies…” Psalm 23:4-5

Recently, I started catching up on The Walking Dead. I still have a little over a season to go, but I’m getting there. When I first started watching over a year ago, I quite enjoyed season 1, but then I got bogged down on season 2. While I’m not generally squeamish, the violence in the show bothered me more than it has in others (this probably has something to do with the fact that I don’t like the idea of getting eaten alive), but the curious thing is that lately, as I’ve been struggling with anorexia, I’ve found myself gravitating to TWD more and more. And it occured to me that there is a specific reason why I find comfort in the misadventures of Rick Grimes and his group. 

At its core, The Walking Dead is very much about food. Oh sure, it’s also about trying not to get torn apart by walkers or murdered by crazy people, but the group braves the most danger just in order to eat. On its own, starvation is a scary concept; compound that with facing a horrible fate just to prevent it, and you’ve got a fairly accurate picture of what’s going on in my head right now (although the fates Rick and I fear are different). 

I have found it easier to eat while watching TWD, because it’s helpful to pretend that the only anxiety that could exist about eating food would be the idea of becoming food yourself, which is not a struggle I have ever had to face in real life (nor do I ever hope to). So on one level, I can appreciate the comfort and safety I have in being able to observe fictional anxieties about eating while knowing I don’t have to share those fears. If the walkers aren’t real, then eating can be a pleasurable activity rather than a necessary evil. The separation between fictonal food fear and real life food fear is not complete, and The Walking Dead will not solve all of my problems. But little things like this have been assisting me in my attempts at recovery, and for that, I am extremely grateful. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? What are some ways that TV shows (or any form of entertainment) have helped you overcome various struggles? What are some other benefits to enjoying fiction? 

THE RAVEN BOYS // Bottled Virginia Magic

Five Stars—ajklsdflk (when words fail to describe how wonderful a book is)

When I picked up THE RAVEN BOYS, I did it more because several trusted friends had recommended it, and less because I was actually interested. Had I realized it was going to offer me a similar sort of moody realism to IMAGINARY GIRLS, I would have been much more excited. In the end, the biggest reason I decided to try THE RAVEN BOYS was because I was on an audiobook kick and there weren’t many options available at the library. Also, I had listened to THE SCORPIO RACES and enjoyed it, so I was grudgingly willing to read more by Maggie Stiefvater. (It’s weird how loving one book doesn’t necessarily translate to a desperate need to read more by the same author. Possibly I’m afraid of being disappointed by the rest of their work.) 

The Audiobook. 

Despite my minor obsession with them last year, I’m finding I'm not a huge fan of audiobooks. So often the narrator feels wrong for the story, and it taints my enjoyment. But Will Patton does a phenomenal, phenomenal job, I tell you. His voice is bottled Virginia magic. I prefer listening to it over reading the story with my eyes, as I did the second time through. 

The Characters. 

All of Stiefvater’s characters, however large or small of a role they play, don’t feel like portraits of humans, as so many characters do; they feel like actual humans. On that note, I’m convinced it would be worthwhile to base a writing program off Stiefvater’s Raven Cycle (and THE SCORPIO RACES). *takes notes* 

Blue // Blue is sensible but eccentric. While she is her own person, she is not the wild, reckless, wish-fulfillment type of character that has become prevelent in YA. She is sad and deep wihout being melodramatic. 

Gansey // Stiefvater is both cruel and brilliant to inform us, before we even officially meet him, that Gansey is going to die. I say brilliant, because I get the sense that Stiefvater's no push over, that she’s going to do what she’s been telling us she's going to do all along. I say cruel, because she then proceeds to write a character I can’t bear to lose. Gansey is studious, driven, thoughtful, kind, and yes, a bit arrogant and stupid about money and status, but he’s Gansey. I read about him and I hear his ghost saying “That’s all there is,” and my eyes get a little leaky. He doesn’t feel fictional; he feels real, like someone who ended a long time ago and needs to be remembered. 

Ronan // He is violent, predictable, and understandable. I simultaneously fear him and want him for a friend. His anger drives him, his pet raven humanizes him, and his secrets lend him depth. There’s so much to Ronan, so much I feel about him, and I can’t find a way to put any of it into words, because it’s more an indescribable swirl of color than a line of text. I can’t properly express how glad I am that he is getting his own trilogy. 

Noah // Noah is soft and sad and shadowy, and he breaks my heart. I want to keep him safe in my pocket wherever I go; I want to be his best friend. I can’t go into much detail about him without entering spoiler territory, but suffice it to say that, of all the character storylines in THE RAVEN BOYS, Noah’s is my favorite. 

Adam // I relate to Adam, and I pity him. I get a little angry, too, because he makes all his pain and anger worse by driving his friends away at crucial moments. I wish he would be willing to take help, wish he wouldn’t villify Gansey for offering it. That said, I understand why he feels the need to pull himself up by his bootstraps, though I worry that if he doesn’t learn to manage his desperate need for dignity, he could end up more like his father than is good for anyone. 

Henrietta // Although Henrietta is a town, it’s a character too. It fills the book, every corner, every nook and cranny of it. I love the sense of place. I love that I, too, live in Virginia. I love walking my landlord’s dog and pretending I’m in Henrietta, that I can hear the hum of the ley line, that when I round the corner, I could stumble across Blue and the Raven boys. 

The Atmosphere. 

The atmosphere in this story is so strong, I can taste it, smell it, touch it. I want it to replace my atoms. It’s like drinking straight nostalgia from a favorite mug. 

In Conclusion. 

I have read this book twice, and I already want to reread it. Rest assured, I will shove it in your face like I shoved IMAGINARY GIRLS in your face, and you will not hear the end of it until you cave and read it. Now I’m off to finish rereading BLUE LILY, LILY BLUE so I can maybe finally work up the courage to read THE RAVEN KING and see what happens. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? Have you read THE RAVEN BOYS? Have you read anything else by Maggie Stiefvater?

DRACONIAN // In which Liz gets sappy

DRACONIAN has been the work of almost eight years, the driving force behind the majority of my writing journey thus far. Of course I’ve worked on other projects as well, including TIME IN A BOTTLE, which I went on to polish and pitch to agents and, ultimately, trunk. Since the idea first came to me, DRACONIAN has demanded to be told. In all its many iterations, it has spanned multiple computers (five) and homes (four). It began as a short story I wrote for literature class when I was twelve, became the 60K word rough draft I completed as a part of my schoolwork, survived my purple-prose-loving phase, and grew through my depression after receiving extremely negative feedback from a beta reader on one side and dozens of agent rejections on the other, before finally arriving at this stage, completed and ready for the query trenches. I can honestly say that as much as I hoped, and as much as I dreamed, I never quite expected to make it here. 

I look at it, and I see the bones from the very first draft. I also see the years of desire and doubt that followed. It has seen me through the stages where I struggled to sleep at night because I wanted, wanted, wanted till I was sick to my stomach to hold that book, published, in my hands, to have the validation that would make people’s judgement less bitter, less painful, less justified. I can’t count the times I let myself see my manuscript through another’s eyes, to the point where I wanted to burn it and move on because I wasn’t big enough or smart enough. It waited patiently while I listened to others who said my dream wasn’t worth sacrificing for, while my guilt and anxiety got the best of me and made me forget that I’m a writer to my core. 

When I decided to write a fresh rough draft of DRACONIAN during NaNoWriMo 2014, I expected to be finished by November 2015, because that was how things worked the year before. I can’t adequately express how sick I felt when November 2016 came and went and I still wasn’t done. I was stuck. I wanted to work on other projects. I was beyond tired. But I had to, had to, I say I had to finish. 

Even after this November, even mere strides from the finish line compared to the legwork I had already completed, I was not sure I had it in me to sprint down the homestretch. But I knew I had to try regardless. Because if there’s anything running cross country has taught me, it’s that you always have more in you than you realize. 

I've lost track of the amount of drafts I had to go through with this problem child—far more than I needed with TIME IN A BOTTLE. The vast majority of those drafts felt like hate drafts. I’ve lost track of the hours I spent filling in plot holes, wrestling awkward sentences, and crying over world-building, but I’m sure the 900 plus hours I spent on TIME IN A BOTTLE pale in comparison. Where TIB was a cakewalk, DRACONIAN was a marathon through Death Valley. The biggest redeeming quality of this experience is realizing that while it is possible to fall out of love with a novel, to see only its faults and none of its beauty, it is equally possible to fall back in love. 

So yes, I am moving on the next stage—the query trenches. While I am excited and nervous to be here for round two, with more faith in myself and more understanding that I am not the sure bestseller I thought I was, and while the thought of getting published is both nerve-wracking and difficult to imagine, I am pleased. I am happy. Even if this book never gets an agent, never makes it to the shelves, I will still have this: Against all odds, I finished. I proved my doubts wrong. Regardless of where this book ends up—your home or my trunk—I will still have succeeded. And that, my coffee beans, is more than sufficient. 

Last but not least, I need to wander into the realm of cheese and mushiness, because you all deserve a big thank you. Were it not for your support and encouragement, your excitement over my snippets and your faith in me, I wouldn’t have found the energy to finish this. I really hope I get to share DRACONIAN with you some day. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? What are some writing successes of yours that you’d like to celebrate?

A Court of Mist and Fury // My Conundrum

Three Stars—Good

WARNING: This review contains spoilers for A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES

Unlike with ACOTAR, I drafted this review the same day I finished reading A COURT OF MIST AND FURY. I think this calls for a celebratory coffee. 

The Rating and a Content Warning.

I wanted to cover this bit first because I think giving it three stars is a tad misleading. I was tempted to give it two stars; I was also tempted to give it four. Or five. Or one. (Okay, not one.) *headdesk* Let it be known, I enoyed ACOMAF, and part of the reason I took so long reading it (several months) was because I wanted to suffer from a book hangover for as short a time as possible (since A COURT OF WINGS AND RUIN comes out in May). However, the biggest, BIGGEST reason why I docked two stars was the sexual content. I was warned that there would be some, but there was a good deal more than some. And I do not like sexy times in books. They make me uncomfortable, they gross me out, and they make me sad because I don’t feel super okay recommending books with this level of sexual content, even if I liked all the other parts. (I know I probably include this disclaimer a lot, but rest assured, if you loved, loved, loved this book, I’m not judging you. I’m just saying that stuff is not for me.) 

So, a word to the wise. 

Moving on. 

PTSD, Depression, Food, and Art. 

At the end of ACOTAR, after an extremely traumatizing ordeal Under the Mountain, Feyre is killed and then brought back to life as a High Fae (that was a lot of capitalization). Naturally, this has a lasting impact on her mental health. She finds herself unable to keep food down, unable to paint, unable to feel much of anything. I kind of felt her pain here, given some of the struggles I’ve been going through recently. It helped to have some perspective. 

Because I’m prejudiced against Romance (as a genre) in general, I hadn’t expected such an honest, nuanced representation of mental trauma. In this case, I wasn’t just surprised, I was moved. Even if this book had no other redeeming qualities, I would love it simply for how it shows Feyre’s emotional journey. 

Relationships.

I can’t go into much detail here without risking spoilers, so let me just say: I was intrigued by Feyre’s relationship with both Tamlin and Rhysand. Coming into the series, I had expected something a little different with regards to these three characters, but Maas ended up surprising me. Though I think I already know what’s going to happen now, I’m ohmygosh so excited to see how this trilogy ends. (And she’s writing three more books in the ACOTAR universe!?! WANT.) 

Small issues.

There are thick books, like THE HOST, where I genuinely believe that removing any detail (or word, or scene, etc.) would take away from the story, but there are more commonly cases with thick books, like ACOMAF, where I have to wonder if the book could have benefited with more tightening. That being said, I admire Sarah and her work ethic to the moon and back (and then to the moon again). Of all the writers I have stalked researched, I find her to be one of the most inspiring. It takes crazy amounts of time and effort to publish two thick books a year and not end up stabbing yourself in the eye with a pair of tweezers. So yeah, props to her. I just think she needed a bit more time. 

In Conclusion.

While there were some stylistic aspects I wasn't as much of a fan of, and while I don’t feel comfortable recommending this book, given how broad my blog audience is, I did enjoy the overall experience of the story and am excited to read A COURT OF WINGS AND RUIN. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? Have you read ACOMAF? What are some elements in stories that make you uncomfortable? What are some reasons why you might not recommend a book you enjoyed?

Guest Post // Danielle Hines

Hello everyone! My name is Danielle ~ Liz and I are old writing friends who experienced some of our first Nanowrimos together, and one of my favorite things is getting together with her to book shop and talk writing. Liz (in her usual manner of awesomeness) has allowed me a guest post on her blog! Hope you enjoy! 

The Hero’s Journey

A brief overview of a classic structure, and thoughts on the planning vs. pantsing dilemma. 

The Hero’s journey is a narrative pattern originated by Joseph Campbell. It is born from the Monomyth theory which states that all classic stories carry the same basic traits and formulas when broken down systematically.

Now, as a fiction writer myself, this certainly catches my eye. You mean there’s a formula that I can follow that will magically produce a work of classic literature? Sign me up! Alas and alack, writing is rarely this straight-forward and simple (so few things are). 

That being said, this theory and the studying of it does have its merits for a writer. For one, the close study of other stories is a fantastic idea. It is my firm opinion that reading is the greatest apprenticeship available to us as writers. Secondly, if you are a planner, it can be nice to have a few guidelines that you can turn to when you get stuck. Thirdly… has this ever happened to anyone? You’ve been plugging along on your manuscript, then horror of horrors! About forty-thousand words in, you have no idea what to write next. And you have no idea how to figure it out.

Well, this just might help.

The Hero’s Journey follows the Hero (protagonist) through twelve stages that shape the story. I will be using masculine pronouns in the descriptions for simplicity, but don’t freak out! A hero can just as easily be a woman as it can be a man. 

The 12 stages:

1) THE ORDINARY WORLD. The hero is unveiled to the audience in their own world and environment. Often they are introduced in such a way that we can automatically sympathize with them, and thus our attention has been won for this story. Also, the hero usually has tension in his life causing him to wish to pull away from his norm.

2) THE CALL TO ADVENTURE. Something happens that changes things, either external or internal, and the hero must face the beginnings of change. 

3) REFUSAL OF THE CALL. The hero dreads this plunge into the unknown and tries to turn back, however short-lived this turning back may be. Optionally, a friend or other character can express this dread of the dangers that now lie before the hero.

4) MEETING WITH THE MENTOR. The hero meets a wise traveler who imparts training, equipment, or advice that will aid the journey.

5) CROSSING THE THRESHOLD. This, the end of Act 1, is when the hero fully commits to leaving his Ordinary World and plunging into the Unknown World (mental or physical) which contains unknown rules, codes, and dangers. 

6) TESTS, ALLIES AND ENEMIES. The hero is tested and begins to accumulate allies and enemies in the Unknown World.

7) APPROACH. The hero and his new allies prepare for the central challenge in the Unknown World.

8) THE BELLY OF THE WHALE. This point comes towards the middle of the story, and in it the hero confronts death or faces his or her greatest fear. From the moment of death, new life must spring. 

9) THE REWARD. The hero wins the treasure won by facing death. The treasure can be something physical (a healing elixir) or mental (the key piece of knowledge that will end world hunger) There may be celebration, but there is still danger of losing the treasure again.

10) THE ROAD BACK. This is about the three-quarter mark in the book, and in it, the hero is driven to finish the adventure, leaving the Unknown World and bringing the treasure back home. There may be a chase scene or reminder of the state of the homeland that signals the immediacy of the adventure’s outcome.

11) THE RESURRECTION. At the climax, the hero is severely tested once more on the threshold of his return. He is cleansed by a last sacrifice (another moment of death and rebirth) this time to a higher scale. The results of winning this final trial are that the tension that the hero felt in the beginning are, at last, resolved.

12) RETURN WITH THE ELIXIR. The hero then returns home or continues his journey. He now carries some element of the treasure that has the power to transform his known world just as the hero himself has been transformed.

Got all that? I know, it’s a lot to take in. Here is an example to help you apply all this. (Okay, let’s be honest, this part is mostly for my own nerdy enjoyment.) A classic story converted into a Hero’s Journey:

Frodo’s Hero’s Journey (for The Fellowship of the Ring):

1) THE ORDINARY WORLD: The shire and Bilbo’s birthday party.

2) THE CALL TO ADVENTURE: The ring is bequeathed to Frodo and Gandalf presents him with the need to get the ring out of the Shire.

3) REFUSAL OF THE CALL: Gandalf and Samwise express concern over Frodo’s quest.

4) MEETING WITH THE MENTOR: This could be meeting Aragorn at the tavern (since he provides advice and aid) though Gandalf is also a primary mentor.

5) CROSSING THE THRESHOLD: Travelling to Rivendell, Weathertop is a signature “unknown world” experience.

6) TESTS, ALLIES, AND ENEMIES: The forming of the fellowship!

7) APPROACH: Entering the Mines of Moria.

8) THE BELLY OF THE WHALE: Gandalf’s death.

9) THE REWARD: Their escape from the Mines, Galadriel’s gifts, and Frodo’s newfound determination to do whatever must be done to save middle earth.

10) THE ROAD BACK: Traveling with the fellowship from Lothlorien to Amon Hen.

11) THE RESSURECTION: Frodo faces Boromir over the ring.

12) RETURN WITH THE ELIXER: Frodo leaves the fellowship with Samwise. He now carries more skills and knowledge than at the start of his tale, and he continues his ultimate quest of saving Middle Earth.

If you haven’t read or watched The Lord of the Rings, now you have homework!

This presentation only scratches the surface of everything involved with the Hero’s Journey. Archetypes are explored, the stages are mixed and matched to demonstrate other structures available, and much more. For more info on and application of the hero’s journey, I would recommend Google and “The Writer’s Journey” by Christopher Vogler. 

Lastly, a few quick thoughts on planning and pantsing. (For those of you who might be new to the game, “pantsing” is sort of a shortened version of “flying by the seat of your pants.” Put more simply, pantsing = not planning.) 

To plan or not to plan, that is the question. I’ve heard a lot of compelling arguments for each of these schools of thought. On the one hand, if you don’t plan, your story can end up a meandering and chaotic mess. Then again, most first drafts end up this way anyways. On the other hand, if you do plan, everything you type can end up stiff and predictable. Then again, refer to my notes on the dreaded first draft.

So what’s the answer? 

The answer to this is not simple (seeing a trend?). It really depends on your own unique writing style, and I think most writers use a mix of both. Some writers plunge ahead with blind abandon on their first draft, then start reshaping things during the editing process. Others begin with the kernel of the idea, then plot as they go, once the themes of the story and the overall shape begin to emerge. Whatever you choose, always remember that writing is rewriting and your story is worth it.

I hope this post has been informative and (perhaps) even a little entertaining. A gigantic thank you to the lovely word-slayer Liz Brooks for the honor of guest posting on her fantastic blog. Happy writing, coffee beans!

Was this post helpful? What are your experiences with planning and pantsing? Share in the comments below!

Also, here’s a link to my blog. If you happen to live in Maine and enjoy a good adventure of your own, this might be for you: Adventures Beneath Katahdin Skies

A Court of Thorns and Roses // An Overdue Review

Four Stars—Great

I had meant to post my review of Sarah J Maas’ A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES sometime during Valentine’s week. I’d also intended to review A COURT OF MIST AND FURY and CRUEL BEAUTY during that same week so I could tie them all together with a neat little bow, which obviously didn’t happen. I finished ACOMAF on the last day of February and, as of writing this post, still have yet to read CB. 

Le sigh. 

When I do get around to reading CB (and since my Kindle reading habits have been sporadic and spastic of late, who knows when that will be?), I still hope to do a post comparing and contrasting ACOTAR and CB. I also plan to buy A COURT OF WINGS AND RUIN when it comes out, and I might even read and review it in a reasonable amount of time. We’ll see. 

For now, let’s talk about ACOTAR. 

The Set-Up.

While ACOTAR is primarily a “Beauty and the Beast” retelling (yay!), it also inlcudes elements of “East of the Sun, West of the Moon” (a story that has haunted me for years) and “Tam Lin” (which I was less familiar with). When it comes to retellings, it can be difficult to process and repackage a popular, oft-retold story and still produce something fresh, which is why I think the combination of these three fairy tale storylines is one of ACOTAR’s greatest strengths. 

Feyre.

For whatever reason, I came into the story not expecting to relate to or appreciate Feyre all that much. I think this partially had to do with the fact that I knew ACOTAR is a romance (and if you’ve followed my blog for a while, you’ll know that romance is usually a miss for me). But Feyre’s combination of tough and soft won me over. 

She sacrifices so much of her time and energy to support her family, which did remind me an awful lot of Katniss from THE HUNGER GAMES. Despite the similarities, though, Feyre is still her own character. She is practical, yet artistic, and she somehow finds a way to balance these two aspects of her personality. It can be so easy to see art as non-essential, the first thing to go when life gets hard, and I loved that it doesn’t get displaced in the face of Feyre’s abject poverty—that it’s recognized as a part of who she is. Also, I love that her relationship with painting mirrors her emotional state throughout ACOTAR and ACOMAF. 

Confession time.

Every time a book description mentions fairies/the fae, I find myself losing interest, even though I love books like THE PECULIAR and THRONE OF GLASS. I’m not really sure why this happens, it just does, and I almost skipped out on ACOTAR because it’s a) a romance and b) a book that heavily features the fae. However, I ended ACOTAR feeling more favorable to books of it’s ilk. I consider that a win. 

Content warning.

There is some sexual content, and I am squeamish, so that accounts for the dropped star. 

In Conclusion. 

I’m sad that I didn’t review this book right after reading it because, now that a fair amount of time has passed, my memory has gotten a bit vague on some of the nuances I wanted to discuss. The busier I get with writing, the more I find myself forgetting small details, like my name, or a book’s storyline, so I can’t give you as well-informed a recommendation as I had hoped. But I do remember that I very much enjoyed ACOTAR (especially the ending), and I will eventually want to reread it. 

What about you, my little coffee beans? Have you read A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES? Will I ever spell “thorns” correctly on the first try? (No. Because I always type “throns.” Don’t ask me why.) What are some of your favorite fairytale retellings? Have you read CRUEL BEAUTY/do you recommend it?