Silence

Some of you have asked if I'm okay. So I figure it’s time to chat with you a little. 

Am I okay?

The answer is, I’m trying to be. But at the moment, I am not, and I can’t go into detail just yet. In fact, as much as I love you, coffee beans, I really haven’t wanted to mention this at all online because I don’t like the idea of you worrying about me. And I’m craving privacy in a way that I normally don’t. However, I’ve realized there’s a flaw in my plan. 

Blogging has become an outlet, a way to be honest about my struggles. But I don’t share personal stuff online because of some great quanity of bravery or wisdom or whatever. I wish that were the case, because then my more heart-felt posts would feel voluntary rather than necessary. In all honesty, though, the primary reason I lay myself bare about the big issues is that, if I don’t talk about them, they cloud the forefront of my mind and make it nearly impossible to blog about anything else. I also find that my relationships struggle when I can’t bring full disclosure to the table, because to me friendship has always been about sharing the important stuff as well as the small stuff. Additionally, I feel like pretending that I’m okay when I’m not is a form of lying, and I don’t like lying. 

Over the past few months, I’ve resisted telling you about this specific round of cloud coverage in my life. Instead I’ve tried to force myself to blog around the ensuing block in my mind, because I’ve shared several big things already, and this isn’t like the others. I’ve sat down and outlined/drafted several posts on miscallaneous topics, only to find myself unable to finish anything. 

So I guess I need to tell you, but I’ll do so in as general terms as possible, and I’m sorry if I scare/hurt you. 

Here’s the deal: 

I am sick. I was getting better. I stopped getting better. Now the cliched path to recovery is significantly more exhausting and discouraging and all manner of horrible, but I don’t have the luxury of taking the easy route in hopes that this sickness goes away on its own, because if I do, I will die. I apologize if I’m being too blunt—it’s just that I have to be this blunt with myself since I still struggle to take the stakes seriously. Please don’t be angry with me if you’re a friend or family member and I haven’t told you about this personally; please understand that I didn’t even tell my own mother and sister until last week, and every time I tell someone, I get more tired and overwhelmed. (Also, when I tell people, I feel really guilty about sharing bad news.) Only a handful of people know exactly what’s going on at this point, and already it feels too crowded. However, I realize that for many of my friends and family, hearing about this from a blog post is not at all ideal, and I apologize. At some point, I may decide to share more information with you. In the meantime, I would very much appreciate your prayers, your understanding, and your continued friendship. Thank you.