It’s been so long since I posted—and even longer since I posted regularly—I almost feel like I need to reintroduce myself. When I think about the first couple years of Out of Coffee, Out of Mind, it’s like remembering something that happened to someone else. I loved blogging, you guys. I’ve missed posting and I’ve missed you people and I think I got so wrapped up in feeling ashamed about being sick and feeling shamed about being lousy with answering comments, I let it eat away at my motivation to keep trying. In all honesty, I kind of forgot how to be a person for a while.
I’m working way more now than I used to, and I’m still writing novels on the side, so I doubt if I’ll have enough time to go back to my original once a week posting schedule. But I want to start blogging again.
I’m working way more now than I used to, and I’m still writing novels on the side, so I doubt if I’ll have enough time to go back to my original once a week posting schedule. But I want to start blogging again.
To be honest with you, I think one of the reasons I found it so easy to stop blogging, even after I got better, is that I wanted things to be to the way they were before I was sick. For a long time I didn’t have the mental energy I used to enjoy. Blogging was beginning to feel foreign to me. I got out of the habit, lost my routine. And, you know, I’m not the same person I was before anorexia. I know you liked that Liz, and I’m similar to her in many ways, but honestly, I don’t know if you’ll like this Liz as much. I’m happy I’ve changed, really I am. I’ve grown and matured, and that’s awesome. But in order to recover, I felt like I had to excise parts of myself that were intrinsic to my personality. That’s an ongoing process in my life—cutting out the aspects of myself that need to die so I can live.
I’m still changing. I struggle with anxiety once a week now, or once a month, not once a minute, not to the degree I did before. I let go of some lies and learned some truths, and I’m probably always going to be horrible at correspondence, but I’m less hard on myself about stuff in general. I’m learning when to say yes, when to say no, and more importantly, when to stand up for myself, even when it hurts. Sometimes I feel like I’m way behind the curve, and I’m finally starting to catch up.
So this is me, someone who’s learning and growing and trying to be better. I don’t get things right all the time. I’m too selfish for my own good, and too slow to forgive. I internalize anger and turn it back on myself. I question God at least ten times a week. One bad moment, and I forget all the blessings I’ve been given. My life is 75% not hearts and butterflies right now.
But I’m back. This is me. My name is Liz. It’s nice to meet you again.
