Wednesday, July 6, 2016

I am Afraid


I have discussed stage fright before, and I have referenced my insecurities, but I believe it’s time to talk way more seriously about fear, and here’s why: I’ve been sitting here for ages trying to think of something to blog about, something worth saying. And, in keeping with the same pattern that I’ve been following for the past few months, I have come up with multiple ideas only to bat each one down, not because they weren’t decent topics, but because I've been too afraid to write them. I am afraid that I won’t do them justice, that I will say too much or too little, that I will be misunderstood, that I will be judged, that I will offend, that I won’t get my point across. I am afraid that I will fail in some way or another. I am afraid that people will assume wrong things about my heart and what I am trying to say; I am afraid that people will read between the lines and put words in my mouth; I am afraid that people will find my thoughts stale and worn out and repetitive. 

I am afraid that my fears will become self-fulfilling prophecies. 

And I can assure you, the more afraid I get, the more paranoid I become. All of this stunts me. All of this drains my creative energy when I most need that creative energy. 

I have said it before, and I will say it again. I don’t think I can stop the fear. More importantly, I don’t think that’s the point. I have chosen a career path where my insecurities will always fight to be foremost in my mind, and that alone is enough to revive all my dormant anxieties, if I let it. The trick is not to let it. But this resurgence of near-crippling stage fright is a symptom of a much larger issue. 

And there are a hundred other symptoms where that came from. 


No matter how much I want to, I won’t tell my very favorite people how much I care about them because I am afraid they don’t feel the same and never could. In those rare times when I do reach out for council, I’ll only say a quarter of what’s bothering me because I’m afraid the other three quarters will prove I am beyond hope. In most casual interactions, I instinctively dumb down what I say so people won’t expect me to be smart and thus won’t put much stock by it when I mess up and do something stupid because I am frozen with fear. I dislike being ridiculed for how fast I read or how much I know or what I can do, so instead of sharing the things that I am happy to have accomplished I generally avoid talking about them in social settings. Even on this blog I get nervous about sharing my successes because I am afraid people will hate me for doing well. 

When it comes to blogging, I try to be as honest as possible, despite the fact that I am a very private person. I have even pulled passages from my personal journals in an attempt to be as open as I can manage, for my own sake first and foremost. I have tried to be transparent because I am afraid of not being seen, and I am afraid no one will know me unless I make myself known. But similarly, I am afraid to be known. I am afraid that once I let people see past the different layers of me, all the contradictory pieces that form the whole of me, they will see the core of me and judge it rotten. 

More troublingly, I am afraid to ask for help because I should be able to do this on my own, and I have been doing this on my own for years, so why is now any different? I am afraid that, because I have so often had to rely on my own self-analysis to stay sane, I am just pretending now to need counsel so I don’t have to be alone in my thoughts. 

My mind is a minefield, and I am afraid of stepping in the wrong spot, and I am afraid of showing people the map to my mind because it is dangerous to give others that sort of power over me. What if they detonate the whole thing instead of defusing it? 


I am afraid that if I talk about how I am doing worse or how I am doing better or what I am thinking about, people will decide I am egocentric. I am afraid that if I pull away from social settings, people will take offense or assume I’m proud. I am afraid that people would rather label me with their own interpretation of my mind than listen to what I have to say about myself. 

Some of these fears have proved themselves to be legitimate, which makes it a hundred times worse. 

In my efforts to be brave, I have shared about the boy who died, and I have shared about losing Africa twice, and I have shared about my private terror, locked inside myself as I try to block the sound of fireworks that are not bombs but sound like bombs to the seven-year-old trapped in my head. I have tried to be brave about admitting that I am depressed and that I am struggling even though I have started to drag myself out of this pit by the velcro of my sneakers. But the more I try to be brave and speak up because I know I need to speak up, because the thoughts in my head are slowly killing me, the more I begin to fear that I am speaking up too much, that people will tire of my voice and tell me to stop speaking. People have rarely asked me to speak up. I am afraid that people will yell at me to file my thoughts away inside my head because I share too much and no one cares. 

I am afraid that you will judge me for talking about how afraid I am. 

I am afraid that you will judge me by the same standards I use to judge myself. 

I am afraid that, in trying to be raw and open, I am simply being foolish. 


I am afraid that the horrors I have nightmares about will find me in the daylight. I am afraid that if I don’t speak up about the things that torment me, then no one will feel free to speak up about the things that torment them. And I am afraid you will think me even more egocentric for thinking that. 

I.

Am.

So.

Afraid. 

And I am afraid that makes me a coward. 

The braver I try to be, the more scared I get. 

I doubt this will ever stop completely. So I guess I have to tweak my attitude yet again, decide that the fear will take back burner despite its protests, that I will not let it put me on a leash and jerk me around just because it tell me it is stronger than I am. If this means feeding myself words that taste like lies to survive my days, then I suppose I’ll just have to grow fat on them. 

Despite how little I believe it, I will tell myself that I am not a coward, that I will write the blog post correctly, that I am loved and lovable and perhaps lovely somewhere in my soul, that I am helping people by sharing because maybe that will make them freer to share their own secret hurts, that people won’t get tired of me and my writing style and my thoughts. I will tell myself that I am not soul-exhausted, that I am covering for myself and the fact that I feel like quitting because I have forgotten how to fight. 

Somewhere along the line, I misplaced the thought that lets me be brave. I misplaced the weapon that lets me hold off the shadows behind my eyes. I misplaced the word that gives me purpose and tells me I am enough. 


Somehow I have to find these things inside me once again. I have to delve down into the clock of my heart that makes me tick, and I have to dig out the dust that makes the gears grind, and I have to forget that I am afraid of drowning in my mind. 

At the apex of this seemingly insurmountable mountain, I will have to face the fact that I am afraid of being afraid. Here sits the root of the weed that is choking me. Here sits the root of all the fears that I have concocted in the laboratory of my brain, the place where every little terror originates. 

The fear of fear is neither healthy nor strong. It is irrational. It is a torment that creates itself. I cannot afford to let myself churn out new reasons for fear. I cannot afford to borrow lightly-used guilt from other people. I cannot afford to worry about worry. I cannot afford to deck out my insecurities in fancy clothes. These luxuries are bankrupting me. 

Somewhere along the line I stuck a post-it note in the back of my brain saying I must punish myself and never free myself, and I have to find that note so I can burn it. 

It feels like the deepest form of betrayal to tell you all of this. 

Please tell me it was worth it. 

I want to live the way I am meant to live, not perfectly, but joyfully. I want to fight to be okay. 

Please tell me I’m worth it. 


What about you, my little coffee beans? What are some of your struggles? Are you afraid of fear? How do you overcome your fears?

20 comments:

  1. Hello, dear one. You are loved, and beautiful, and valuable in God's eyes, and you're never, never alone. ♥ I'll also leave this poem here, which has helped me through many a dark valley of the soul: http://www.bartleby.com/122/47.html
    I hope it is as soul-watering for you as it has been for me. Much love to you, my dear.

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    1. Aww, thank you! I know it's taken forever for me to answer these comments, but this comment made my day, and still makes it every time I read it. I really really like the poem. Thank you so much for sharing it. :)

      Much love to you too. And thank you for commenting! :)

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  2. *hugs* You are SO brave! I think it's amazing that you're able to put all of your thoughts together so coherently and honestly, and even more incredible that you're sharing all of those thoughts. I admire you SO MUCH for that.

    I don't really know what I can say to help, or whether I CAN say anything that would help, but I just want you to know that you're definitely not alone in having fears and you shouldn't be alone getting through them. I'm always here for you, and so many others among your blog readers are, too. You're going to be okay. Sending love ♥

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    1. *hugs you too* Thank you! That means so much to me! *blushes*

      Just knowing I have your support helps. :)

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  3. "I am afraid that if I don’t speak up about the things that torment me, then no one will feel free to speak up about the things that torment them."

    I love this line. THIS is the reason I began opening up about my torments and fears and brokenness a decade ago, and thus beginning my slow but steady healing process. We need to go on our walks again soon. Very soon. I enjoy your company. You don't have to be afraid of talking to me; but when you feel the fear, I'll walk with you through that too until you conquer one more fear. I'm happy I get to be your new friend.

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    1. Thank you! It's easier to talk about the hard stuff and work through it if I know I'm not the only one who's going to benefit. (But I think that's probably problematic in itself, since I have the tendency not to consider myself worth the trouble if I'm the only one benefiting.) I would love to go on walks with you too. You're one of my favorite people to talk to. Thank you! I'm happy to be your new friend too. :)

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  4. I think posting this is one of the bravest things you could ever do. I think that recognising your fears is incredibly brave, I think using the gift of words that God has given you is so brave. Thank you so much for sharing.

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    1. Thank you! It's nice to know that, even if I question my bravery, not everyone sees me as the coward I think I am. Thank you for the reminder, and you're welcome. Even though it's hard, I'm happy to share.

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  5. I don't know what it's like to have the fear you describe here, and I don't know what to say that will mean more than the simple pleasantries so often exchanged at the bottom of heart-wrenching posts like these. I don't really know.

    I guess the only thing I really know that I want to say is in response to "And I am afraid that makes me a coward." Because it reminds me of Game of Thrones, at the beginning of the book when Ned Stark's young son Bran asks him if a man can be brave if he's afraid. And Ned tells him yes, because “The only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid.”

    So this post is really proof that you are brave. Because if you weren't afraid, then writing about your fear wouldn't mean anything. But because you wrote even though you were afraid, and that is what makes all the difference.

    *sends all the encouragement possible*

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    1. It's okay not to know. Not everyone struggles in the same way, and I'm glad you haven't had to experience these fears.

      Thank you for reminding me about that quote. I remember it really struck me when I read it last year. I think I'm still working on fully grasping that bravery comes from acting despite fear, not from not feeling fear at all.

      *blushes*

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  6. You are worth it. You will always be worth it. God loves you, thinks you are worth everything in this world. And I don't know you very well, but I believe that too.
    I have fears like this too. I'm getting quite emotional writing this, because my greatest fear is being vulnerable. I'm always terrified that if I share my problems with people, if I show anything but what they think I am, then they will hate what they see and turn away. I haven't faced this fear yet. I don't know if I ever will.
    You are beautiful, and wonderful, and brave, and special. *hugs hard* Thank you for sharing this, for being honest with us. If you ever need someone to listen to you, know that I'm here. You are not alone.

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    1. Thank you! As are you!
      Ugh, it's so hard and so scary to be vulnerable. Just the thought of it makes my skin crawl sometimes. It's so hard to give people leverage, to give them footholds in you, to give them ways of hurting you worse than you have already been hurt. It's so hard to judge whether it's worth it. And even though I'm this honest on this blog, I still struggle to do this in person, because I have been burned before. But I believe in you. I think you're braver than you realize.
      Aww, thank you! *hugs you back* You're welcome! Thank you for being there. :)

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  7. Liz, I don't know what to say. You are brave for admitting this. Just because you feel fear does not mean you are a coward. You are resisting that fear, by posting this post, therefore you are not a coward. Okay? You are brave, and it's okay to be brave.

    I love this post. It's very honest. You are always so honest and that's one of the things I like about you and your blog. You don't dumb things down for us. You give us the hard truth of what you've been through and what you're thinking even though not all of us share similar experiences. And that is scary. To open up even though someone may misunderstand you or judge. I really respect that you do that. I think that's brave. I appreciate your honesty.

    Write what you want to write about. In the way you want to write. People might say things. They might judge. But in God's eyes, you are precious. He will never misunderstand you. He loves you no matter what. I pray that His love will cover and overcome whatever tries to come up against you. If God is for us, nothing can be against us. And GOD IS FOR YOU, LIZ. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but He is.

    I'm a very private person in real life. I have a hard time opening up to people unless I've known them forever. Even then it's hard for me to talking about the things that actually matter to me, things I'm passionate about. Sometimes it's because I don't know how to say it, but more often it's just because of fear. That they'll laugh or think I stupid. That they will judge me, disapprove, or be disappointed. I hardly ever say anything, at all. On my blog, I'm more open. Communicating through writing is very natural for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being too open on the blog, but I try not to think about that. And fearing fear. I know it's such a dead end path, but I still do it. Sometimes at night I feel like I fear everything. Every 'what if' that could happen. I try to pray during those nights, but it's still hard.

    You are definitely worth it! Honestly, I miss you when you're not around. Although I do understand taking a hiatus for a mental break or life craziness. I'm not complaining. You are missed though during hiatuses (spell check isn't flagging it, so I suppose that's the plural of hiatus?) If you ever need someone to talk to or just want a listening ear or whatever, you can email me. :)

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    1. Thank you! If you say I am brave, then I will believe you, despite the fear that I am otherwise. :)

      I'm so glad you loved it! That means so much to me! And I'm so glad you like my honesty. I worry so much that I'm being too open or too honest or too raw, and I worry that I will disgust people or make them uncomfortable, or that I will sound like I'm just complaining and looking for sympathy. So it's reassuring to know it's quite the opposite.

      Thank you so much for the reminder! I forget these things so often, to my detriment.

      I am quite private in real life too, although I'm working on being a little more open in person. But don't worry. You don't share too much. And you are brave. And fear may seem like such a strong, unconquerable force, but fear is afraid of you because you can beat it.

      Honestly, I think the biggest fear I have about sharing stuff in person is crying. I hate crying in front of people, but most of this stuff I can't talk about without crying. I can only distance myself when I'm writing about it. That's something I need to work through.

      Thank you! And so are you! Aww, that means so much to me! Thank you for being willing to listen! :)

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  8. Ugh. This.

    I've been afraid lately. Really afraid. Insecure and freaking over life in general, so this post really is special.

    And overcoming the fears... I haven't really found an answer for that. Praying, mostly. That's all I can really do. Maybe they won't go away, but I can at least try to calm myself because I've been way too un-calmed. :P

    But this post was beautiful. Thank you.

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    1. Ugh. *punches your fear in the face* There, did that help? Because I can punch it again if I have to. *nods* I'm glad my timing on this post was good! :P

      Answers can be so hard to find. But raying helps. And reminding myself that it's going to be okay because God is in control, even when it doesn't seem like he is.

      Thank you, and you're welcome! Thank you for commenting! :)

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  9. I mentioned you in my blog post today because I love how honest you are. I value honesty to my core, because I've gotten tired of faking being happy when I'm hurting inside. I share a lot of these fears that you mentioned. I fear people misunderstanding my posts, and it scares me when that fear comes true. I'm very much a people pleaser and I hate when people misconstrue what I'm trying to say. Thank you for being brave and continuing to be honest. *hugs*

    storitorigrace.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you! I really appreciate what you said about me. It's so encouraging to know that I'm accomplishing more than I ever thought I could in just being more open than is comfortable. It's so exhausting to pretend to be happy. I've been so used to saying "good" as my only response when people ask me how I am, but I'm getting sick of lying, even if it's what I'm socially expected to do.

      Ugh, yes, it's so hard when fears come true. *sends you a million hugs* I struggle with people pleasing too, so I know what that's like. And thank you! *hugs you back*

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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  10. Awww, Liz. We actually share some of the same fears. Depression really sucks :/

    Ugh, it sucks when you're misunderstood. It really does.

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    1. Ugh, yes, depression sucks. Like a vacuum cleaner. I'm sorry you have to struggle with some of the same things.

      It does indeed.

      Thank you for commenting! :)

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