Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Memento Mori

Confession time. I didn’t want to write this post, at all, and I told myself I never would because, to me, grief is a very deep and personal experience. As much as it would be wonderful if it weren’t so, it is almost impossible to find someone who can truly relate. And yes, I have talked about some hard stuff on this blog before, don’t get me wrong—but the Africa stuff happened years and years ago, and I have had much more time to process and come to terms with what happened. This, however, is a good deal newer.

Seven years ago, when I was way younger and way smaller, I fell in love. Sure, I was young, and I get that. So I understand if you’re already raising your eyebrows and assuming it was nothing because I was young—and because at that age, why would it be something? Are young people capable of real love? That seems to be a pretty common question. Can young people form lasting attachments? You are free to disagree with me as you choose, but from where I stand, I believe the answer is yes. 

From the very first time I met him, when he was introducing me to his pet cat, I knew that I wanted to marry him. (I’ll be honest, I was a hopeless romantic back then.) I never ever doubted that, for better or for worse, he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He was wonderful, and for a while, he was my best friend. Honestly, I would have given up everything, even writing, if it meant that I could have him forever. And I’m not just saying that flippantly—these were conscious decisions that I mapped out in my mind, because I have always been one to prepare for the future. I adored him. Even when he hurt me. I made the choice, every single day, to love him despite his faults. To forgive him. To stay faithful to that little pipe dream in my mind. 

I don’t want you to think that I dated him, because I never did, and I honestly don’t know if he ever realized how much I cared for him. Despite my feelings for him, I never shared them—I never wanted to give anyone that sort of power over me, even someone I loved. So, I think to him I was just a friend, maybe not even a best friend. Maybe he had no clue. At this point, it doesn’t matter either way. 

Because three years ago yesterday, he died in a car accident. There had been some complications in our relationship a year before that, and at the time when he died, I was no longer allowed to speak to him. For reasons that I won’t explain to you, both for his sake and for mine, I had been faced with a difficult decision, and I made the only choice that I could in good conscience make, but it was also the choice that meant I would lose him. I made my choice, knowing the consequences, because I loved him, and if I had it all to do over again I would still make that same choice, even now, even knowing there would be no way to get closure. To this day, I don’t know if he was angry with me when he died, or if he understood why I did what I did. Or if he knew that I had forgiven him. 

I had always told myself that, when I turned eighteen, I would contact him and things would be okay and we would be happy. At least we could be friends. More than anything, I didn’t want to lose track of him, I didn’t want him to slip out of my life. But of course, by the time I turned eighteen, he was already long gone. So that New Year’s Eve I stayed up to ring in the new year and my birthday, and I cried because it fully hit me that the future I had always wanted, a future where he was alive and maybe, in my wildest dreams, in love with me, was never going to happen. And in that moment of realization the world became so impossibly empty and cold. What was the point of turning eighteen when the main reason for turning eighteen was gone? 

I have had many, many dark days in my life, and I have not met anyone else outside of family who has lost as much as I have. But I believe I can safely say that the darkest day I have ever lived was the day I attended his funeral. Because we had not spoken for a year before he died, I went to his funeral feeling that I did not have a place there, that as much as I cared about him, I did not belong there. Yes, it was an occasion for those who had loved him, for those who wanted to say goodbye. There were people who had legitimate claims on him, like his family, who had the right to grieve openly. But if I let myself cry as hard as I wanted to let myself cry, no one would understand why. And I didn’t want people looking at me to wonder because it wasn’t their business and because it didn’t matter anymore. It didn’t matter that I had loved him so completely that I felt like I had died—it didn’t matter that I had built all my hopes and dreams on him. He was dead. So I sat through the entire service and didn’t let myself shed a single tear. 

You may be wondering why I’m talking about this now, after all this time. The answer is, I’m not sure. I know that I still feel that same internal pressure to stay silent, like I did at his funeral—that same sense of something very nearly like shame when it comes to sharing what happened. And if I feel that way, I wouldn’t be surprised if others have felt the same as well. I realize that most of you never met him, and even more of you wouldn’t understand why I cared so much. That’s okay—I’m not looking for sympathy here. Sympathy won’t change what happened. But I have carried this weight for years and it’s heavy, and I guess I just wanted to set it down for once. I am sure that there are at least some of you out there carrying your own heavy burdens, and I just wanted to let you know that it’s okay—it’s okay to set them down from time to time, to open up and talk even though you’d rather swallow a bucket of live fire ants. Life is impossibly painful, and the trick is to not go it alone. 

The things is, awful things happen to us, and we never fully understand why. I could give you a handful of explanations for why God didn’t just step in and save his life. God could have done that, you know. And sometimes I wonder if I come up with those reasons because they are logical and I want logic and order, or because I actually believe them, or because I just don’t want to think that he died for nothing. 

I think it’s fairly undeniable that I would not be the writer I am today were he still alive. I would not be the person I am today, were he still alive. If I could give you a cross section of my life and show you all the parts of my existence like the rings on a tree, I’m certain I could point out to you the exact moment when I completely changed, when I went from a pretty shallow person to someone who can think more deeply (though not as deeply as I would like). And that moment took place after the initial shock of losing him faded and reality began to sink in, after I stopped waking up in the middle of the night and consoling myself with the possibility that this had all just been a vivid nightmare and that I would wake up in the morning and laugh at myself for taking a dream seriously. 

As much as I have been hurt—from losing my home, my possessions, and my friends in Africa (twice), to experiencing a bitter church split, to losing the boy I loved, and all the smaller hurts in-between—the terrible things I have experienced have served to shape the person I am today. And if someone offered me a chance to go back and live an easier life, I would say no. Because as much as it has cost to become the way I am, I would not trade myself for someone different. Before each round of suffering, I was a lesser person, and if tough love is what it takes to get me to where I need to be, then that’s what it takes. But God has never ever left me alone in my pain to carry it by myself, and he has never ever let me suffer without just cause. 

I know for some people, the idea of pain for gain can seem rather barbaric. Why would God hurt you when he could just make you better? Isn’t he powerful enough to do that? Why is it worth it? Believe me, I have struggled with that line of thought, and there are still times when I find my mind turning in that direction. So please don’t think I’m speaking from a place of deep wisdom and total emotional stability. But I have realized this—God does not need me to defend him. He is more than capable of defending himself. And if breaking a glow stick is the only way to get the glow stick to do its job and glow, then the glow stick need not demand an explanation for its pain. (If it were, you know, sentient and all.) It feels so unnatural when God breaks us, so cruel and so hard and so gratuitous. But if we could see from the other side, from the perspective of the person breaking the glow stick, would we ever, ever call that person cruel? Would we call that pain unnecessary? 

When I’m feeling especially down, I remember the title of a book my mom read to my sister and me when I was starting high school—A SEVERE MERCY by Sheldon Vanauken. I have long believed that this is the best way to sum up my life. God has been merciful toward me, a sinner, but it has been a severe mercy. It has been the mercy I needed, not the mercy I wanted. 



Well, my little coffee beans, I know that was a lot more serious than what I normally write, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway. If you don’t mind sharing, what are some areas in your life where you have been given a severe mercy? 

22 comments:

  1. *sigh* What do you say to this?

    NO LIZ WHAT DO YOU SAY TO THIS.

    In a weird way I feel like you know what you mean, sort of. I've never lost someone to death, but I've lost friendships and church families and some other things to a lesser extent, and so I think I have at least a reference point for what you might mean. Maybe even when it means to have loved someone at such an age.

    But damn, girl. This writing touched my heart and made my brain think and it was totally intense and I just want you to know that. Because I know it was all true.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DON'T KNOW.

      It makes sense that some of your experiences, even if they aren't exactly the same, would allow you to relate to an extent. But I'm glad you've never lost someone. :)

      Thank you. :) I really appreciate that.

      Delete
  2. Liz, you've dealt with more than most. This was...I can't find the right words. More than food for thought, more than deep, more than touching. Thank you for opening up and sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. :) And you're welcome. I'm learning more and more how to open up and share, and I'm also learning that people seem to appreciate openness.

      Delete
  3. So I've been sitting for a while, fooling myself to believe I'll come up with something to say any minute now.

    Yeah, that's not going happen. If you told me this face-to-face, I'd listen the whole way through and then hug you. (And I don't go hugging people willy-nilly.)

    *hugs*

    This is so deep, and I'm glad you shared it. I'm not going to say I relate. But I'm sure there is someone out there who does. And I really, really hope they read this, because your writing is beautiful and it will most certainly let them know they are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Don't worry--I totally understand not really knowing what to say. :P

      And I appreciate that so much. *hugs you back*

      Thank you. I'm glad that you haven't been through something that would allow you to relate. :) And thank you, I really appreciate that--I tried to write the post I would have wanted to have read.

      Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  4. Yes Liz, grief and the hard times we go through do shape us. Your grief is there, and there aren't any words to make it easier for you. Thank you for sharing so much with us. Know that we are here supporting you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *nods* They certainly do. And you're right--there's never anything anyone can say to make someone feel better. You're welcome, and thank you. :)

      Delete
  5. I seriously can't pretend to say something intelligent here...I just want to hug you and say you're incredibly brave for posting this and you're just BRAVE IN GENERAL. I'm like in awe of you, Liz, basically just in awe. Yes. You have been there so so much and I think it's the hardest when something breaks your world but no one else understands. I get that. But not to the same level as you've felt it. So yeah...I'm going to fade away into the darkness with my unintelligent comment. You are amazing to be open and talk about this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aww, thank you. You are just the sweetest person ever. *hugs you back* You're definitely right--it's so much harder when you're alone with what you're going through, when even if you talk about people still won't completely get it unless they've gone through it themselves. Aww, you are crazy brilliant and could probably never write an unintelligent comment to save your life. And thank you. :D

      Delete
  6. Wow. I really admire you, Liz, because you have gone through so much and you still trust in God. I'm no stranger to death, but I haven't nearly gone through what you have in your life, and I struggle to trust God every day.

    I can't even begin to imagine what it was like to lose the boy you loved, not knowing if he was still upset at you, so I don't want to pretend I understand. Your writing is so intense and real, and really bought to light for me that everything God does is for us, even if we can't see it.

    I don't really know what else to say... Except that this is probably one of the most honest, heart rending posts I've ever read.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, thank you. :D It's definitely not easy--I still struggle, probably every day. But I'm glad you haven't had to experience everything I have. :)

      Thank you, I really appreciate that. It's definitely something that's on my mind a lot--why does God say he's good if all these things happen? My biggest struggle, I think, has always been trusting him to know what he's doing, so writing my thoughts out like this really helps me to figure out what I'm even thinking. God really does do a great deal for us, and it's so easy to ignore all the good things, especially the good stuff that comes from bad stuff, because the bad stuff is just so much easier to focus on. And I have the tendency to focus on that more often than I should.

      And, once more, thank you. :)

      Delete
  7. You are so strong and brave to have shared this so honestly with us Liz, and I admire you so much. I won't pretend to completely identify with what you've been through. That is a heartbreaking situation, which deal with so bravely. But I do know, in some smaller degree, what it is like to suffer in silence because people wouldn't understand. And I think that's one of the things that struck me the most about this post, your willingness to share your experiences with us, even though silence is such an attractive option now. I know that this experience has made you a stronger person, and I for one am very glad to know you through your blog. And I feel privilege to share your experience now. And right now, I just want to give you the biggest, most comforting hug.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, thank you. :) To be honest, most times I don't feel brave or particularly strong, but thank you. Silence is definitely so much easier, and so tempting, but I kind of made a promise in my mind that I would do something to commemorate him each year, so this was it. And aww, thank you--I'm glad to know you through your blog too. :) *hugs you back*

      Delete
  8. *hugs* This is a really big thing to put out there. I haven't known a loss like that, but I have known suffering. I had an emotionally abusive dad growing up and my birthdad committed suicide a year after I was born. The concept of fathers is a really hard one since I've never had very good one. It's been especially tough for me to accept that all this hurt and disappointment lately is for my own good, but I know it's building me up for the person I want to be. It's just been tough for the past few weeks since I thought I was so close to being published then I had that big rejection slapped in my face. It felt like being hit to the ground again ... Yeah I'm ranting, basically I admire your honesty. *hugs again*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. *hugs you back* That is very tough, and my heart goes out to you. *hugs you again* It's difficult to see God as our father, and see that as a good thing, when our earthly father's have set a terrible example. And I'm so sorry you've had to experience that sort of pain. And my condolences on the rejection--it's such an awful feeling to think you're close and then to get emotionally smacked around. *gives you another hug* You are free to rant as much as you'd like. ;) And thank you. :)

      Delete
  9. Liz, I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you but the way you're dealing with it is the best way you possibly can. The thing that I've found is that sometimes life sucks and all you want to do is sit down and cry because you don't understand. The important thing is that you still trust God (I'm sure 90% of my prayers are me saying God, I don't understand but I trust you) then get back up. (And your glow stick metaphor is just amazing.)

    It was so amazing and brave of you to share this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. That means a lot to me--see, you knew what to say. ;) Those sound like my prayers too, most of the time. I've learned I have to take everything one day at a time (as cliched as that advice is), because if I consider my entire future it just gets too heavy. But I can trust God day by day and let myself cry when I need to. It helps to accept that, while I'm living, I may never fully understand exactly why he died. (And thank you--I've heard a variation of the glow stick metaphor several times before, but I wanted to put a new spin on it.)

      Thank you. :)

      Delete
  10. Wow. Honestly, I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve lost and for all that you’ve gone through; but it’s so inspiring to see your faith. The way you choose to believe that God’s mercy is still mercy even if we can’t understand why it's shown in that way.

    You’re amazing, Liz, and I feel so privileged to know you. <3


    Alexa
    thessalexa.blogspot.com
    verbositybookreviews.wordpress.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. :) I really appreciate that. It definitely is hard to always see God as still merciful--it's a choice I have to make every day. But I also know that it's true--I just need to remind myself that what I see is not the whole picture. *nods*

      Aww, thank you! I feel really privileged to know you too. <3

      Thanks for commenting! :)

      Delete